Monday, 20 January 2014

Taking my 4 year old to London (also called "pass me the wine")

Boy vs London- a true story 

Arrive at Brent cross roughly around08:40. Get on tube. 

Boy: this train doesn't look underground. Where's Big Ben? Is it next to the Eiffel Tower? Can we see the Houses of Parliament? Guy Fawkes tried to blow them up and everyone loves him. We celebrate guy Fawkes day because he was a hero. 
(Swings round pole singing I love London)
Informed that Eiffel Tower is in another city. Asks to get train there after. 
Boy: will we see one direction? They are in London (sings one direction songs) 

Tube stops at golders green. Girl gets up "your son has made my day" Boy briefly interrogates her about why she's getting off the tube. He tries to get off as well. 
Pin him to seat and journey continues. 

Get off somewhere. Boy tries to run up the escalator when I'm holding onto him. We both nearly plummet to our death. He says he needs the toilet. I pay the 30p to get in the station toilets, go through the turnstile and Boy hasn't. He's standing there laughing saying he doesn't really need it. Hoik him over. Force him to wee then continue. 

Make our way towards Buckingham palace. Boy loudly shouts "why does the queen live here? I thought she was dead". Explain there were two queen Elizabeth's. Boy sees the queens guard horses. Tries to get close but
the police horses scare him. 


Runs through st James park. Tries to befriend the pigeons. Takes off at a sprint towards the road. Dad chases him, grabs his hood to catch him. Hood unpops from coat. Boy smacks his head on the ground. Between very loud sobs he shouts "daddy just threw me on the ground" repeat times 10. 

Get to Big Ben. See parliament. "Oh it's not still blown up" Boy looks disappointed. Get tube to south Kensington. Have tight grip on Boy as he tries to see the train tracks up close. 

Get to south Kensington. Look for somewhere for lunch. Boy sees homeless man in doorway. "Look he's camping. Silly man" repeated at volume. Go into Italian place for lunch. Boy orders meatballs. Without sauce. Meatballs arrive without sauce. Boy refuses to eat them as they have red pepper in and he thinks it's sauce. Man comes in wearing really bad wig. Boy screams "look at that mans stupid hair" across the restaurant. Man was sat at next table from us. Boy possibly only survived as man didn't speak English. 

Get to museum. Boy skips, sings and dances all around it. Occasionally saying "wow a real skull". Informs everyone within a 50 mile radius that dinosaurs all died because a meteor hit them 100 years ago. Asks me if I remember the ice age. Narrowly avoids being abandoned. 

Buys a dinosaur head on a stick that roars from gift shop. Spends all tube journey back roaring it at various passengers. 


This is just what I haven't blocked out

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